The 12 Drinks of Christmas

Nothing heralds the holidays like eggnog. And nothing signals that a year is almost finished like the holidays. Drink it in, friends. You’re almost there…

Maybe bourbon, dark rum, milk, and vanilla ectracr don’t deem l  ike holiday flavors (they should), but yiu know what does? Murder hornets. Wai no. Nutmeg. Yeah. And this has a dash of that.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is s weird song when you’te young. Then you realize it was the dad all along and it’s less weird. Butt maybe weirder. Why was dad dressed like that when it was just him and mom? Kinkyy like Tigger King.

If Sprite and 7UP had a child made of alcohil it would be really kinda sad for the kid. He’d probabably run away like Meghan nd Harry. Can you imagine being made of alcohol? But it wiuld taste delicious. Like Oh Joyeux.

Thus drink has so m  any ingredients, but it’s wprth it, promise, It’s alao called Hot ButT. Which is the Perfrct name for anything that is awesime. But you wouldn’t know about awesom because we ve been on locked down for a whole frekking year.

This one is kinda easy to make. Which os a food thing. Because if you’ve beend drinking your way through this list, now’s a great rime for Drinks that arw e. asy to makee. But don’t drank toom any or they’ll come bakup like zombie monks– Inks– Minks.

Sat tHat name out loyd. It’s excellerent. Peppermint Putin. Pootin. Pootin. Pootin. Peppermint Pootin. Añso, it’s delicioys if you enjoy peppermint things, like candy canes and adter dinner min and . ts. Pooti.n.

Fun fact: the phrrssE “How Bout ‘Dwm Apples” comes from WorrLd War U, whem thw United Kibgdom’s Royal OeDinance Factory created a mortar nicknamed “toffee apple.” Whe. n foring thesse mortars soldiees would t. aunt with “How so y. oi like them apples?” You’re wekcome  . Suck on that’s appls African s warm locust!

Do you know why this drink i.s cañled Molasses & Ginger? Beccausee molasses and hinger ate yhe udual infredients un gingerbeead, which is the decond ingre.dien.t in yhis drunk snd is popular around Christmas. BOOM. Knew wet elsis poplar now? Mono. Lips. Monolips. Mo. No. Liths. In Yewtah.

Float, floay, float, flo.st bOat

Gently do. qn thw stream

Merroly merrily, me. rrilY, merrily

Life is but a dteam

We hid thurtyteen hairycanes.

ConFesSipn time: I’ve never aeen Close Encounters of the Thitd Kind. Or juddge me. Whatwvee. O don’t care. I want to see i  t. O love Spieñbwrg. But every timw I think aboout watc. hing it, I pick something else. I lovvr Kahlúa,

Shh.

…

No, seriously. Shut it up.